The Hits Keep Coming: a Punster's Delight

Carlos Santana, lead guitarist for the
Cleveland Indigenous Peoples.

Or

I Started a Joke That Sent the Ball Flying

By Michael J. Vaughn

Chris Isaak and I went to Fenway and saw a Wicked Game. I’m sittin’ there trying to Guess Who the visitors are; They Might Be Giants. But no, in Only the Beginning, I realize it’s Boston versus Chicago.

Chicago’s got quite a lineup. Their last game was high-scoring, 25 or 6 to 4, I Don’t Recall. Who’s on First? Why, it’s Carlos Santana (actual ballplayer, look it up), a Smooth fielder if ever there was one. Springsteen’s in center ‘cause he was Born to Run, and the rest of the outfield is played by The Outfield. Of course, the real Iron Man is Ozzie at short.

Unfortunately, the starting pitcher, Steppenwolf, was Born to Be Wild. He walks the first three batters, so they bring in The Mick, who can really paint the black. Jagger says Start Me Up!, gets his Signs from the Five Man Electrical Band and finds The Way to a Fastball. The first two calls give him some Satisfaction, but then Ann and Nancy Wilson come up in the Heart of the order, and hit two balls to The Wall, then George Michael gets up and Wham! Bases cleared. Then Chris Martin Clocks one to the Pesky Pole. Why, Boston’s got more Styx than the Babe himself! Jagger’s feeling Shattered, but he finally gets a Superfly to end the inning and trudges to the dugout, where his manager takes some Sympathy for the Devil and says, “Well, You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

There’s more trouble in the bottom of the inning. James paints first base Brown, and David Ortiz complains until the field crew came out and Papi Got a Brand New Bag. Will Smith took the mound (actual ballplayer, look it up) and was Getting Jiggy With It when Ray Charles, formerly of the Tampa Bay Rays, Busted a seeing-eye single to John Fogerty in Centerfield. When Ray was thrown out at second it was Cryin’ Time Again, and the ump said, “Hit the Road Jack!” “What’d I Say?” complained Ray, as he was dragged away by the Police.

Blue Moon Odom, one of the Ohio Players who was recently Fired, faces Idina Menzel, a real Survivor who’s getting the Eye of the Tiger now that she’s back from Detroit. Menzel Let It Go and smacked a Frozen rope over third. After hit singles by Simon and Garfunkel, she was Homeward Bound.

Mitch Williams, The Wild Thing, enters in a double switch with the Troggs and Surrenders a walk to Cheap Trick, followed by a long Drive to Incubus.

But you know what? I can’t finish this story. I’m headed to Ebbets Field for a Dodgers reunion, and the way things are going I’m gonna get No Sleep Till Brooklyn.


Michael J. Vaughn is the author of twenty books, including The Popcorn Girl and Atheist Evolution, and a licensed punologist for the San Francisco Giants. Don't try this at home. No musicians were harmed in the making of this story. That we know of.